


Don't Cry, Sammy

by SupernaturalPrincess9



Series: Sam and Dean: Songs from the Heart [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: First Kiss, First Love, M/M, Wincest - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-14
Updated: 2015-04-14
Packaged: 2018-03-22 20:02:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3741871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SupernaturalPrincess9/pseuds/SupernaturalPrincess9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in Season 8 after Sam starts experiencing physical effects of the trials. No relation to other Season 8 works in this series; merely another exploration of Sam and Dean giving into the feelings they'd hidden for so long.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Cry, Sammy

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the song "Don't Cry" by Seal

_Don't be so hard on yourself._  
Those tears are for someone else.  
I hear your voice on the phone.  
I hear you feel so alone.  
My baby.  
Ohh my baby.  
Please my baby,  
My baby 

Dean awoke in the middle of the night, confused as to what could have roused him. Rubbing his hand over his face, he swung his legs over the side of his memory foam mattress, getting his bearings. Gradually, he became aware of a sibilant sound from the main room of the bunker; clearly Sam was talking to someone. He could hear the low murmurings as he quietly moved from his bedroom to the main study area.

Sam was sitting at the table where they usually gathered in the evening. One small desk lamp cast a limited circle of light, making his shaggy hair look like a halo from where Dean stood.

“So, there’s nothing about that in what you have so far? No… physical effects noted?” Sam listened and then sighed. “Ok. No… don’t say anything ok? I’ve got to do this alone. I’d appreciate it if you’d call me if you find anything.” Another pause. And a sigh. “Ok. Thanks. Take care.”

Sam set his cell phone to the side and leaned forward, his body wracked with a coughing fit. Dean saw him reach for a tissue but didn’t see the blood on it in the dim light. Sam leaned his head back and his shoulders started to shake.

Dean looked on, perplexed, wondering why Sam was silently laughing. His face quickly went from perplexed to scared when Sam allowed a small sob to escape.

Rushing forward, Dean whispered, “Sammy?”

Sam jerked in his chair, turning his head, unerringly finding Dean in the darkness. He didn’t say anything and as Dean moved closer, he could see the tears sliding down Sam’s face.

“Sammy…” he breathed. “What’s… what’s going on?” Dean pulled up a chair next to Sam, looking at him intently.

_When we were young,_  
And truth was paramount.  
We were older then,  
And we lived our life without any doubt.  
Those memories,  
They seem so long ago.  
What's become of them? When you feel like me I want you to know.  
Don't cry.  
You're not alone.  
Don't cry,  
Tonight, my baby.  
Don't cry,  
You'll always be loved.  
Don't cry,  
Tonight.  
My baby. 

Sam avoided Dean’s gaze, acutely aware of how closely Dean was studying him in the moment. “I’m ok, Dean.”

Dean snorted. “Sure you are. It’s 2:30 AM, you’re out here, talking on the phone about ‘physical effects’ with god knows who… Kevin, maybe? And that’s not even the kicker! You’re crying – alone – in our… home.” Dean stared at Sam. “But you’re ok.” 

Dean shook his head at Sam. “Do you think I’m stupid?”

Dean wanted to take Sam into his arms and hold him tight. He wanted to pull Sam into his lap and rock him like he used to do when Sam was small and crying because he’d been hurt. Dean was in full-on protective mode and he was going to get to the bottom of whatever was bothering Sam.

Sam finally met Dean’s eyes with his own. “No, I don’t think you’re stupid, Dean. I’m fine – really. Go back to bed. I’m heading there myself. We can talk in the morning.” 

Sam made a move to stand when Dean’s hand shot out and grabbed his wrist.

Dean stood, looking at Sam, maintaining a grip on his wrist. 

“No, Sam. We’re gonna talk right now so spill it.” Dean’s grip was strong and he wasn’t about to let go of his brother. “If you found me out here in the middle of the night like this, you wouldn’t let me just go back to bed so I don’t know why you think I’m going to let you.”

Sam hung his head. “I’m tired, Dean. Please… I just want to sleep.”

Sam was scared but he didn’t want to worry Dean. Dean would insist he stop the trials and Sam fundamentally, deeply believed that his redemption was directly tied to him completing the trials, so there was no way he was giving them up.

Dean barked out a laugh. “Yeah? Well you woke me up and you’re gonna stay up with me until I’m satisfied with your detailed account of what’s going on. So, the sooner you start talking, the sooner you can go to bed.”

Sam shook his head, extracting his wrist from Dean’s grasp, absently rubbing the skin where Dean’s fingers had touched him. 

“There’s nothing to tell, Dean… I was… talking to Kevin, ok? About the trials. I wanted to see if… if he’d seen anything about physical effects of doing the trials. So… I could be prepared. But there’s nothing in the tablet. That’s it.” Sam’s lie was written all over his face and further exposed by his recent coughing fits.

Dean assessed Sam. Getting him to open up after their post-purgatory rift was proving to be difficult.

“Ok, Sam. So that explains who you were talking to and what you were talking about with him… Now, let’s talk about the crying, shall we?” Dean was not letting this go. No way was Sam talking his way out of this.

Sam averted his eyes and hoped Dean couldn’t see the fear in his eyes in the low light of the main room. 

He had no intention of telling Dean that he was afraid of what the trials were going to do to him physically. 

Dean didn’t know about the coughing – the blood. 

Dean didn’t need to know that, deep down, Sam was sure that the trials were going to kill him. 

Dean didn’t need to know that Sam was worried that, if he were to die closing the gates of hell, Dean would quickly sacrifice himself so he wouldn’t have to try to go on… that closing the gates would be a moot point for them because neither of them would be around to enjoy it.

“It’s nothing, Dean.” Sam sighed. “I was just thinking about Bobby… and Dad… and Jo and Ellen… everyone we’ve lost and it made me sad that they won’t be going into the light at the end of the tunnel with us.” 

Sam sniffled. “I just… got overwhelmed for a minute.”

_Today I dreamed,_  
Of friends I had before.  
And I wonder why.  
The ones who care don't call anymore.  
My feelings hurt.  
But you know I overcome the pain.  
And I'm stronger now,  
There can't be a fire unless there's a flame.  
Don't cry.  
You're not alone.  
Don't cry,  
Tonight, my baby.  
Don't cry.  
You'll always be loved.  
Don't cry oh... 

Dean watched Sam collect himself, nodding.

He understood feeling the loss of their friends. They’d lost many. But he didn’t really believe that was why Sam was crying. He couldn’t say why precisely… gut feeling… intuition… something wasn’t gelling for him with the explanation.

Dean reached over, taking Sam’s hand in his, holding it firmly. 

Sam looked at Dean in surprise. A hug during a post-death reunion was one thing, but holding hands in the middle of the night while he was emotionally on edge was something else entirely. Especially when Sam still harbored an intense longing for his brother… a longing that very few would or could accept.

Sam tried to pull his hand away, causing Dean to grip it tighter.

“Look at me, Sammy.” Dean said in a low tone that made it clear he meant business. “I mean it, Sammy. You look at me right now.”

Sam reluctantly met Dean’s gaze. 

He could see the worry in Dean’s eyes and something else he couldn’t define. He searched Dean’s eyes, but Dean had complete control over what Sam found there. 

Dean found fear and unease in Sam’s eyes. Placing his other hand on top of Sam’s, Dean pulled him closer, looking at him intently. 

“Why are you afraid, Sam?” he whispered.

Sam couldn’t meet the intensity of Dean’s gaze so he dropped his head and looked away. Dean reached over, gently taking Sam’s chin in his hand, turning Sam’s face back towards him. 

“Sammy… tell me… please.” Dean’s voice was raspy with emotion. “You’re scaring me.”

Sam felt tears gathering behind his eyes. 

He couldn’t lay his soul bare in front of Dean. 

They’d so recently began repairing their relationship… he didn’t want to risk the tenuous détente they’d reached. He didn’t want to tell Dean that the trials were hurting him. Dean would demand starting over, resuming his self-sacrifice tour of 2013.

Sam cleared his throat, attempting a smile. “I’m fine, Dean. I told you…” 

Sam clearly didn’t want to talk about whatever was bothering him. That’s when Dean had an epiphany and thought he knew exactly why Sam was crying.

Dean tightened his jaw in frustration and stepped back. 

“Amelia, right? You were thinking about her, thinking you’d made the wrong choice to stay hunting with me. You’re sorry you’re here. Right?” Dean dropped Sam’s hand and turned quickly, taking a few steps away. 

With fear of losing Sam coursing through his veins, Dean couldn’t bear this conversation. 

“Listen, Sam. I get it. You miss her and you wish you were still there. Go ahead and go back to her, man. I got this. I will start the trials over and seal the gates of hell myself. Go live your life. If I’m successful, you can live a nice, peaceful life with her and…”

Dean’s words were cut off as Sam spun him around, placing his hands on Dean’s shoulders. 

“It’s not Amelia, Dean. It was never about Amelia, ok? I’m not… I wasn’t…” Sam let his hands drop to his side. “I made my choice, Dean. And it was easy. I’m here. 100% here with you. I’m not leaving.”

_Limousines and sycophants,_  
Don't leave me now,  
Cause I'm afraid what you've done to me.  
Is now the wolf.  
In my bed,  
In my head.  
In my head.  
In my head. 

Dean let out the breath he was holding and reached for Sam, pulling him into a hug.

“Sammy. Please… just talk to me. I can imagine things that are probably way worse than what you’re not telling me. Don’t leave me hanging, man.” Dean pleaded with Sam, needing him to be honest with him.

Sam brought up his arms and held his brother close, breathing in his scent. He didn’t say anything, just relaxed into the embrace and tried to fight back his tears. It wasn’t long before he lost and he felt Dean gasp as a sob escaped him.

Dean rubbed his hands up and down Sam’s back, soothing him. “Shhh… Sammy, I’m here.” Sam was shaking and Dean couldn’t stand the thought of him hiding all this pain. Disengaging from the embrace, Dean took Sam’s hand in his and wordlessly led Sam to his bedroom.

“Lay down, Sammy.” Dean whispered.

Sam shook his head. “No, Dean… I’m fine…”

“Get in, Sammy.” Dean’s tone left no room for argument.

Sammy toed his shoes off and got in under the covers, shivering. Dean moved in behind him, spooning Sam against him. Sam held himself rigid in Dean’s arms. 

Dean reached up and massaged Sam’s shoulder, murmuring, “Relax, Sammy… just relax, ok?”

Sam closed his eyes and focused on Dean’s constant stream of words of comfort and his touch. Sam finally gave in when Dean began massaging his scalp, carding his fingers through Sam’s hair.

_The challenges, we took were hard enough._  
They get harder now.  
Even when we think that we've had enough.  
Don't feel alone,  
Cause it's I you understand.  
I'm your sedative,  
Take a piece of me whenever you can. 

“You’ll tell me when you can, won’t you?” Dean asked Sam, whispering next to his ear as he held Sam close to him.

Dean felt Sam nod before he answered. “Yeah… I will, Dean.”

Dean pulled Sam more tightly against him. “Sammy… I… I don’t like when you hurt. It, uh… well… it breaks my heart and… I just can’t… I can’t…” Dean’s words trailed off as Sam rolled over to face Dean.

Sam tentatively reached over, laying his palm on Dean’s cheek. 

“I know, Dean… I feel the same way when you get down on yourself. You don’t think it broke my heart when you called yourself a ‘grunt’? The best damn hunter that’s ever walked the planet and still you believe you’re nothing… maybe less than nothing?” Sam shook his head. “You’re the best, Dean.”

Dean felt his eyes getting prickly from tears that threatened to rain down from the emotion in his brother’s voice.

Sam slowly dragged the backs of his fingers across Dean’s cheek, just below his eye. “Dean… you’re so strong. You always do the right thing. I would be nothing without you but you never give yourself any credit. You’re so… fucking… beautiful… and you don’t even know it.”

Dean gasped as Sam’s words registered and Sam leaned in, placing a gentle kiss to the left of Dean’s mouth. 

Without pulling back too far, Sam looked into Dean’s eyes and whispered. “I love you so goddamned much, Dean. How can you not know that I’ve always loved you more than anyone else? Whenever I’ve had to choose, I’ve always – without fail – chosen you. I’m not leaving…” Sam swallowed past the lump in his throat. “I can see in your eyes that you believe that I could walk away from you without a second thought. Do you have any idea how much that torments me?”

Dean shifted his eyes to the side, confirming that he was absolutely afraid of Sam leaving again. 

Sam nodded sadly. “I get it. I left and went to Stanford, leaving you behind. When you got sucked into Purgatory… I didn’t… I couldn’t look for you. But… I promise you, Dean, the only way I’m ever leaving you again is if I die, ok?” 

Sam let that statement hang in the air, closer to the truth than he had wanted to get about why he was so upset.

Sam placed another gentle kiss next to Dean’s mouth. “I’ll always choose you, Dean.” he whispered as he pulled back.

Dean followed and placed his own kiss at the corner of Sam’s mouth. 

“And I’ll always choose you, Sammy.” he murmured, keeping his lips close to Sam’s cheek. 

Sam could feel the feather-light contact of Dean’s lips hovering by his face. He thought about how easy it would be to turn his head slightly, capturing Dean’s lips with his own – revealing the secret he’d held for so long.

Dean’s breath ghosted over Sam’s skin, sending goose bumps down his arms. He wanted so badly to move just a little to take what he had always desired.

Dean felt Sam warring with himself. He had realized the day Sam left for Stanford that Sam was like air for him: he needed him to live. 

Taking the choice away from Sam, who continued to think much too hard about the unspoken desires that had always hovered just below the surface with them, Dean moved enough to take Sam’s lips with his own.

He used enough pressure so Sam knew that it was no accident. Soft lips melding together, Dean traced Sam’s lower lip with his tongue, eliciting a soft, needy moan from his brother.

Feeling more confident, Dean pulled Sam against him, sliding his tongue into Sam’s mouth as he did so, causing both men to groan. 

“Mmmm… Sammy…” Dean sighed as he deepened the kiss.

Sam slid his arms down Dean’s back, grabbing his ass to pull his hips against his own. They were both hard and gasped at the contact.

Sam broke the kiss and looked at Dean with all of the love and desire he felt for his brother right there in his eyes. Dean’s eyes filled with tears as Sam said, “I need you, Dean… I want to feel your hands on me… your lips on mine… god, I’ve wanted you for so fucking long…”

“I’m right here, Sammy…” Dean whispered as he took control of Sam’s mouth in a passionate kiss.

_Don't cry.... you're not alone._  
...don't be so hard on yourself...  
Don't cry.... tonight my baby  
...Those tears are for.....someone else...  
Don't cry.... you'll always be loved  
...I hear your voice on the phone...  
Don't cry.... tonight sweet baby  
...I hear you feel... so alone.  
Don't cry... don't cry... don't cry... don't you cry...  
Cry... Don't cry...  
Cause you’ll still be loved 

Sam and Dean spent hours gently exploring the new dimension to their relationship through reverent touches and kisses, loving one another more profoundly than either had ever imagined.

As Dean fell asleep wrapped in Sam’s arms, Sam looked at the ceiling and thought about how to hide the physical toll of the trials from Dean. He couldn’t know about those until Sam knew that the gates were closed for good and he could lead Dean, the one great love of his life, into the light at the end of the tunnel.

Sam’s only regret would be that he was quite certain he wouldn’t be around to share that demon-free world with his brother. But as long as Dean lived a long and happy life, Sam could accept that.

No matter what would happen in the future… the memory foam remembers the first night Sam and Dean finally allowed themselves to love one another completely.


End file.
